Loss of a parent

When I was going through the hardest times of my life, it was the stories of other people’s tragedy’s and how they survived through it that gave me strength to carry on. And if I can share my story to help even a single person realize that they can make it through whatever life throws at them, then I’ve done my job.

master-a-grief-1024x512

Around two years ago my Mother died. And to this day it still hurts like it did those years ago and it will probably hurt until I leave this earth. No one tells you that. If you haven’t gone through it, you definitely don’t get it. I miss my mum everyday. She was my best friend, teacher, number one hero. She was always smiling, happy and so full of energy. Everyday when I came home from school we’d sit and talk for hours about anything and everything. And this isn’t looking back on my life with rose-tinted glasses, I was really really fortunate to have a really beautiful relationship with my Mother and was able to be open with her, which, unfortunately is not what most people have. She accepted me for who I was and always pushed me to be a better person. If I grew up to be even half the person she was I would be very proud of myself. Writing this down is just giving me a flood of tears, but you know what, these emotions are okay. It’s okay to feel these things and not to be ashamed of them.

The thing with grief is that it affects all people differently, from the relationship you had to the way they died. At first I felt very numb and empty inside, I really couldn’t believe that I lost my mum, even when I sat in the hospital and the nurse put her hand on my shoulder “you do know what’s going to happen right love, you do know your mum is dying” I didn’t want to believe it. But when the day came I felt numb. I didn’t want to go outside. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to live. I was emotionally drained every. single. day. And I couldn’t keep up. When I went back to school I found it hard to concentrate on work or relate to other people’s conversations. Then I got mad and angry and the world became a very ugly dark place. I just kept getting flashbacks in my head and to put it frankly I was very depressed and suicidal at that time. I was beginning to hate the person that I’d become.

disenfranchised-grief-5

Sometimes you’ll get knocked down again and again even on your lowest moments. When I finally decided to get help and go to a doctor to see a psych, I wasn’t 18 yet so I had to see a school counselor. Unfortunately, I had a dodgy situation in which the teacher kept lying about arranging me an appointment, and when I was talking about it to another teacher she acted as if I’d never asked for one. I just found it very shocking how the school system in my college had no care for mental health, just grades. And the sad realization came to some friends also, they drifted from me when I needed them the most. So I bottled everything up, my entire self, I decided to shut myself out of this hell hole, I called earth.

Some people think that the truth can be hidden with a little cover-up and decoration. But as time goes by, what is true is revealed, and what is fake fades away.  Ismail Haniyeh

With that I let myself get sucked into a negative black hole. I would tell myself: I was so capable of archiving great things and now I’m a failure. I have no future. I messed up my entire life. And then I thought wow. I didn’t drop out of school when things got too overwhelming. I didn’t end my life. And I still came out with good grades and I got into one of the the worlds best art schools which I busted my ass working on my portfolio. No one can stop me from reaching my ultimate potential. Not to mention I love learning. “Stay in your head, you’re dead” – Tony Robbins

10888707_603201156479759_2732479263126873980_n

What ever we focus on will be the outcome. But at that time of bleak depressing grief in the winter months I really had to teach my mind in thinking. What is the right way to think because smashing my head against the wall to see my brain come out was not healthy… so I read a lot of articles on grief and dealing with what I was going through. There were horror stories of people losing entire families, their house, their job, their friends. Other places around the world suffering from famine, war and poverty. Holocaust survivor’s stories are what I would google when ever I started to let myself swim in a pity party and with all that came gratitude.

And then I started reading self help books so I could look through the world with different take. Instead of falling in the everlasting trap of self pity I began to ask myself these questions. What have I gained in this loss? How can I help others going through the same thing? Is laying in bed all day going to make my mum proud? How can I make my life better for others for the time I have left on this earth?

Now don’t get me wrong, it took me almost two years to get out of this mindset and there are still days I get when I just want to sit and cry. It’s a constant daily battle that one has to walk through. I’m also going to leave a care list of articles, links, videos and book recommendations that helped me and maybe might help you too. Let’s walk this road together.

BOOKS

  • Life of pi – Yann Martel
  • Anthony Robbins – Awaken the giant within
  • The alchemist – Paulo Cohelo

LINKS

Videos

Advertisements

19 thoughts on “Loss of a parent

    1. Thank you for your kind and truthful comment. I think, that learning to live with pain can go both ways; it can break you or build you to become a better person. I definitely experienced both spectrums on that scale. Thanks again!

      Like

  1. Great post. Sorry for your loss. I lost my mother 5 years ago and it still stings at times. At first it wasn’t the big occasions: the funeral didn’t bother me. It was the little things like calling the council to cancel her council tax account, having to explain to the lady on the phone that she was dead. That was what I couldn’t handle. No wits different. It’s an occasional pang of realisation of something that is missing. The other day as I was getting dressed, I found a bracelet of beads that was hers. I hadn’t seen it for over a year. Anyway, I thought I should wear it for the day. It was only when I was filling out some paperwork that I realised the date: it was her birthday. She is still in my subconscious somewhere, a part of me forever.
    Stay strong and trust in healing.
    Peace.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your comment! I am very sorry for your loss, I definitely understand about the little things being the most painful. We will always live on through our parents. I do feel like my mother is always watching over me and that helps me have some peace of mind. I recently read some works of Marcus Aurelius, It helped me have a more positive outlook on everything, you might find it useful. Thanks for sharing it means a lot. Good luck with everything. I hope it gets easier for you!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so sorry you lost your mum when you were so young – I really can’t imagine how hard this is as I was 50+ when my mum died and yet it was still so hard.. I wouldn’t normally do this but this is a poem I wrote after I lost my mum and I felt I should share the link with you.. https://brilliancewithin.com/2016/07/03/poem-magical-moonbeams/
    It sounds like you are moving in a good direction and working hard to survive and grow strong. I love Anthony Robins too – so wise! Angel Blessings to you and I’m sure your mum will be very proud as she watches over you from her magical moonbeam.. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words and support it really means a lot to me you have no idea. I am very sorry for your loss. The poem is really beautiful thank you for sharing it. Your comment really did make my day.Your strength inspires me to be better. Thank you so much!! x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. How lovely and I’m so glad that I could offer just a little bit of help to you.. Your mum can continue to be a presence in your life through the wisdom and love she shared with you which lives on within you.. Angel Blessings xx

        Liked by 1 person

  3. My grandmother passed away two years ago and I know how you feel. She was a second mother to me and I spent a lot of time with her as a kid. I revered her and always had it in my mind she was going to live forever. Well like everyone of us our time on Earth is only so long. Grace and peace to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thanks for visiting The Glasgow Gallivanter. This post jumped out at me – I’m so sorry you lost your mother so young. I lost my Dad last year – he was 85 so it feels a more natural loss, but that doesn’t change the grief.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. . . . Reading this almost brought tears to my eyes.
    It’s like I wrote it. I can so relate cos I went through this phase in my life this month 6 years ago.

    Precisely 6 years on the 27th of this month.

    I’ve written a memorial already.
    Just doing the countdown.

    Bless you ma’am.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s